So apparently it’s hilarious that for me no cream in the house means no coffee. My coffee has to be sweet and creamy. Just like the sun has to shine and the ocean has to meet the shore. It’s an objective truth.
Feeling nervous about moving into my own place on Monday. Excited but nervous.
I’ve never been great at being on my own. I get spooked/scared pretty easily. I also didn’t get as much unpacking done as I was hoping last week so it’s not as homely feeling as I imagined, but I know I can address that over the next few weeks. Getting a bed and sofas tomorrow will make all the difference. Somewhere to sit and lay down always makes somewhere feel a little more like home.
Nothing addresses how much I miss him though…that background ache that just never settles. There are so many angles to grief. Losing him is just one part of such a huge personal challenge.
I am far stronger than I ever thought. One of my friends keeps calling me the bravest lady she’s ever known. My temptation is always to dismiss it. The praise doesn’t feel deserved when the situation was forced upon me, but when I sit and reflect I do feel pretty brave. All those times that I felt I just couldn’t carry on and yet here I am, still kicking and screaming ready(ish!) to take on life’s next challenge.
I know it’s going to be hard but I’m ready. I’m loved and supported. I don’t need to question that. Gonna go purchase some wine glasses today. I have very specific plans for my first dinner in my new place and there will be wine. OK East Vancouver. I’m coming home.
First ever grocery shop alone on Monday. I’m 32…that’s weird right?!
Getting through these two day shifts has been tough. My desperate, needy me has been itching to talk to someone all day. It feels harder to reach out to people when I’m at work, I don’t want to come across as pushy or desperate so I stay quiet. In many ways it hasn’t been the worst strategy as it is showing me that I can get through tough challenges alone. Screaming run away girl didn’t show her face. I breathed and got through it. I keep the people that love me in mind and remind myself how supported I know I am. I think I’m getting a glimpse of what lays ahead. The good news is I know I can get through it.